Everything happens for a reason.

Friday nights, Saturday nights,
O how I used to look forward to those fights
'cause you'd build the cutest conversations,
and leading into more of a love affection.
I liked to be wrapped in your arms,
I felt warm and tight before the alarm
would wake me up to a better day.

What drives me through the day,
knowing that I'd see you when I least expect it,
and it would make me smile from the inner bit.
Catching butterflies or seeing you smile,
was worth it even if it takes a while…

Yet now that we could be the strangest strangers,
like two devices that just got restored,
I'd wish that they could just back up.
Or is it better off to leave as some empty accounts,
and that everything happened wouldn't count.
It feels awful, sick, and tiring --
in this battle that seems never-ending…

Come here and let me lose my mind,
pour out every thoughts after these wines,
but would you still be there?
Lift me up in the air,
like that roller coaster ride of sight
or is it too late to pick up another fight?

Stuck in the middle.

You can never please everybody in life, and not everything goes the way you want it to be, so I always find myself stuck in the middle which I loathe. No matter it's between family, relationship,  friendship or your own self, it sucks to be stuck in the middle…

I find myself stuck in between my family, my parents are divorced and so I am stuck between my dad and my mum & brother. I do not think I can ever take sides, even though I am physically on my mum & brother side, and the fact that my dad seems nothing less like a stranger to me now. I guess being stuck in the middle is more of a frustration here, because the whole divorce has changed my brother and I tremendously, in terms of personality, the way we behave and our thoughts. I do agree that I grew to be more of a independent thinker, and as much as my friends think I am a baby, I feel like I am generally more mature than others that are the same age as me. I have not actually talked my brother into this topic, as we never really talked about the whole incidence, but I do reckon that he would feel the same way and seeing his changes, from being so lost in life to now a marketing director, I truly am proud of him.

In relationships, I have to say the stage between being more than friends and being real couples, is the worst pain haha. Partly because I am not really the person that take initiatives a lot, and I could be blind or drown sometimes that I don't get anything. It scares me sometimes, it does, and when I am scared or lost I tend to hide and escape from things. That is not really a good thing, is it? That is why I hate leaving things unfinished, being stuck in the question mark, in the shade…

Being stuck in friendships is genuinely not strange, you for instance have two very good friends but they don't get along, so you are stuck between them. How can you react when one is ranting on about the other? What do you do when you have to invite both of them to your birthday dinner? It is not easy to please people and that is not what I would do anyway, I am just saying it sucks. I guess what I usually do is to just listen and not care or get into their businesses, partly because I am not bothered to put effort into being all nosy, partly because I have no time and energy to have spare one more portion out of me lol

The most difficult and frustrating thing is being stuck in your own self, and I reckon that happens a lot especially to teenagers, when we think we know a lot but we actually don't, so we are stuck when something goes wrong. I am the same when it comes to over-thinking, which I am trying to work on doing less, but getting your mind all tangled up will only make things worse. I have had my past, doing stupid things, wasting time on stupid people, and so on. If I had a chance to turn that around, why would I not spend those times, reading good books, eating pizzas and dance in the rain?

X

♡ 18 and Legal ♡

After the pre-birthday post, surely there would be a birthday post, or it would be odd… So I turned 18 on 28 February, and surprisingly I had a oh-so-brilliant one!

As I mentioned on my last post, I didn't expect anything to happen and I was tired anyway, so I slept at about 11pm. Then at 7 in the morning, all my friends came to my room and sang me a birthday song, yep thats how I woke up, isn't it lovely. It sort of is a typical celebration at our school that we wake that person up with birthday songs or at 00:00, we all celebrate for one another thats probably because we are all far away from home and we all need some love lol

So then I went to breakfast with my roommate and friends (which I don't usually do), and had a normal school friday, except there are some greetings and stuff :) I went back to my room after lunch because my mum was looking for me, we had a chat over FaceTime and it was a bit emotional… I expected the call to be my mum greeting me Happy Birthday and some wishes thats all, but it turned out that she was at a business dinner with everybody from her company, and many other business partners, etc. The fact that they were all a bit drunk made it a whole lot funnier, seeing my mum and her staff trying to squeeze into one screen and sing birthday songs to me, yes songs, I meant like more or less 10 of them. I couldn't hold my tears while they were singing, so I attempted to distract myself by putting on the tiara and the birthday banner given by my friends, and showing it to my mum, which then made her cry… It was a nice FaceTime in a very long time since we usually end up quite badly every time we call, and that made me feel so loved.

As usual I was chilling in my room, surfing Internet and tok a nap because I knew that we were going out at night, which would require loads of energy. I started getting ready at around 5, took a shower, putting my dress on and some makeup of course. We all gathered at 7pm and head to the restaurant on high street, on my way there I literally walked like a penguin because my heels were so high that I felt embarrassed lol I had them since summer ball last year, and I have no idea how I could manage to dance in them for the whole night and even, ran in them (guess I just had some wine)… The restaurant was very high-end, the elegant atmosphere and it was just comfortable to be at. I got 2 bottles of champagne for everyone of us, and had a duck dish for dinner, it was amazingly delicious indeed. The highlight was when my roommate surprised me with a birthday cake, and I teared up when they sang the birthday song, I do think I have a problem there I just can't take birthday songs, they make me cry even if its not my birthday... After a some champagne and wine, walking in my heels was not much of a problem anymore, as we walked to Lava. We spent the rest of the night at Lava, it was full of people form my school and so we danced, had a couple more drinks, super.

I think it was a simple birthday yet I had much fun with all my friends, and love from my family, which is what its all about in life, friends and family. Right?

X

Pre-birthday

How old would you be if you didn't know how old you are? -Satchel Paige

I don't think I have the memories like every other person, the big birthday parties, mummy giving surprises, waking up to lots of presents, etc. I think the fact that my family or friends back home, don't value birthdays and surprises as much as what I would like it to be, had me started to question the meaning of celebrating birthdays. 

You don't feel significantly one year older after your birthday, your life doesn't change after that one day of your birthday nor do you feel like you have lived one year longer/ further of your life. One of my friend told me the other day, celebrating birthday is to celebrate you're closer to death. But we are closer to death everyday anyway, so should we really overrate birthdays, should we only appreciate the gift of life only once a year? The same applies to other special occasions, are you only grateful for your love one(s) on valentines day? Do you only remember how much sacrifices our Heavenly Father has made for us sinners on Easter?

Just to make it clear, I am not being negative or melancholy about it in any way, we all have feelings and they change over time. Surely I would love to have big parties every year on my birthday, all my friends and family would show up and I love getting presents, however, tomorrow will be the first birthday that I will be spending alone and it is my 18th which is a special one supposedly. I have honestly stopped worrying or thinking about it because there is no point expecting anything, as I had quite a huge celebration last year. For the past years, I have spent my birthdays with my friends at school or last year we had a party in a special studio place, no none of my family member was there except for my cousin. I have begun to get used to not have it a big deal because you can't always have what others have, I should be grateful for what I have and am given in life. I had the opportunity to compete before my birthday, I made it into qualifier for Blackpool, I had a parcel form a friend of mine who studies in England as well, and my friends and I are going out for dinner and drinks tomorrow night. Also I am possibly going to watch a competition at Blackpool on Saturday, so it is pretty much dance-heavy, I should be happy for it.

Sometimes I could be stubborn at things, I want things to happen in a certain ways and if they don't, I would get so upset or uncomfortable about it. Turning 18 should be a big deal for me, I will be a legal adult soon, as much as I am not mentally prepared I still am excited about it. I would say I have always been responsible for things I do, but I guess turning 18 is one less excuse for me?

X

Dream came true

23rd February 2014

I had one of the most amazing days in my life, because I have reached my dream finally, which is to dance at Blackpool.

I remember how I was so excited yet nervous about the day arriving, and I literally couldn't sleep for the whole night and stayed up until 4am when I had to wake up. So I started getting ready at 4am because my friends are picking me up at 6:30am, with 2.5 hours I still managed to be late *yay me*. So I ran the whole lane from my school to where my friends pick me up, with my half done makeup and my gigantic luggage. Then I fell asleep on the car on the way to Southend. When we first arrived the sports centre, I thought it was quite a decent looking building, but when we got inside it was really not lol. I started seeing people looking professional and when we had the opportunity to warmup, I spotted quite a lot of good dancers, thats when I started to panic.

My first event was ballroom, Waltz, frankly it was my first ever competition for ballroom and I had no idea what to expect. While I was dancing the Waltz, I felt like a puppet being moved around, its so much different than Latin where you could express yourself more, I actually had the time to think whether to smile or not, and I chose not to… for some reason. Of course, when they announced the semifinal round, I didn't get in and I couldn't control my tears streaming down my face. I was trying to sit aside and hide my tears, but it was almost impossible because it was an open space, everybody knew I was crying, looked ridiculous, whats more.

I then calmed myself down, after 10 hours of waiting it was finally the second half of the competition, Latin category. It was tiring to just watch the ballroom events, I fell asleep on a chair which is very rare for me. My energy just boosted up after changing into my Latin dress, we all started to warmup and I couldn't feel better and more excited! Because it was a medalist competition, they offer various levels for both ballroom and latin dances: social dancing, pre-bronze, bronze, silver, gold and gold star. Ironically, I was put by my teacher at pre-bronze ballroom and gold star latin, which is very weird because I honestly have not done ballroom and I don't find myself obsessed with it. Anyway, back to the competition bit, the first round I did was not good at all, I was nervous, I missed steps and it was just upsetting. My anxiety was so bad that I kept talking to myself and praying to god just to feel better, and when I heard my number (328) for the final round, I literally jumped and said YES!

Before knowing I got into final, I told myself that if only I would have one more chance, I would give my 100% and yolo *HA* And so I did, I went out and stretched every pose to maximum, I loved and enjoyed the whole experience so much! In the final, I think I did better than the first round, we didn't miss any steps and it felt good. After that my coach pointed me to the judge panel and said something which I didn't hear, I even thought he told me to bow to the judges, but actually he told me to get the qualifier ticket at Blackpool from the judge panel!!! Funny enough, I actually thought it wasn't final, but it flipping was and my dream to dance at Blackpool has come true!! I was jumping for joy and couldn't be happier, didn't care if anybody thought I was overreacting but I literally jumped too much and broke my necklace…

Anyway, it was a great day indeed! The trophy was the best birthday present for my 18th and the fact that my dream finally came true is like a cherry on top. I couldn't thank my coach enough for being so supportive and he is one of the best coaches I have had, I don't think any of these would happen without him really. I can't wait for what's coming ahead and my journey of dancing will only get more exciting!

X

28 Facts about me.

Leggo!

1. I love dancing more than anything, literally.
2. I haven't sent my UCAS and I had a nightmare last night dreaming that all the Universities have stopped receiving applications, which makes me super nervous.
3. Hospital and ambulances are my worst fear.
4. People get the impression of me being really quiet and cold but I really am not.
5. I can't eat spicy food, not even a little bit…
6. I LOVE pizzas and junk food, super unhealthy.
7. I never really workout (as in going to jog or the gym).
8. I have the biggest dark circles, they look like bruises, literally…
9. I am super lazy.
10. And because of that, I never use conditioners or any hair products, but my hair managed to be quite healthy and decent.
11. Too many insecurities.
12. I love art, every kind.
13. I love England, its my favourite place so far.
14. I didn't watch any cartoons growing up, not any of those disney films too.
15. I have 4 puppies.
16. I don't really have a favourite subject, but my least favourite is definitely languages.
17. My favourite food is chicken!
18. Favourite TV show is definitely keeping up with the Kardashians
19. I dislike somebody really easily, but it takes me a lot to hate a person.
20. I do not have a nice relationship with my parents.
21. I can never buy the shoes I want in Hong Kong because they usually don't have my size :(
22. I love watching youtube, its in my daily routine.
23. Can never choose between mascara and concealer to be my favourite makeup product hmm
24. Fashion-addict
25. I used to play the piano, recorder, guitar and saxophone.
26. I used to sing opera as well *haha*
27. I get attached too easily that I am scared for myself sometimes.
28. My favourite number is 28, or 2 & 8 alone :)

They are more like random facts that I just came up with, don't judge haha x 

Dance life

I have been dancing for years, and particularly dancesport I am talking about. And I have been to many studios and had classes with quite a number of teachers, all I have realised until now is that, I have never been treasured as a student, and was I ever valuable to any of the dance company besides winning titles under their names?

There was a studio that I used to go, and I have stayed for 3 years more or less, it used to be one of the top studios in Hong Kong. Joining the studio from a complete beginner until my teacher shaped me through the advanced category, I appreciate the things he did for me and had me improve in a fast pace indeed. From a complete beginner to one of the strongest dancer within the studio, I have not been treated the way I should've been compared to now, then I realised that I was just a winning asset to the studio.

Frankly, I could say I have been to all of the top schools in Hong Kong regardless of time frame, and most of which are business-oriented or theres a strong bond between everybody but still competitive behind backs. The later one is worse, new-bee wise, they have been bonding for years and you have to go through all the jealousy and challenges (as in isolation or simply bullying) until you can bond with them, its a golden rule. You might wonder, if the teacher knows any of these, I could certainly tell you yes and they know every bits of those but they never stop nor try to stop, its traumatising. The dance world is like another world I live in, it is not how non-dancers think how peaceful it is or chill, you have to deal with too many things other than dancing.

After all the dramas, I have decided to take a break off this unrealistic world, also because I decided to study overseas. And the first summer I got back, I went to another studio and because I wanted to solely maintain my progress but not be entirely committed competitively, I chose this middle-rank studio. At the beginning, all the tension in the air was horrific, because you never want to be the outstanding one in the dance floor at a group class. Not saying I was the best in class, but people there were completely different than what I used to, they were more laid back and more like dancing as a hobby. As a not very outspoken person, I didn't merge in at the very beginning which I understood it myself, but the teachers were so lovely that I had a feeling that that was the one. During my first competition with this school, I was told to be in the same category with the top girl within the school, I was nervous as I could ever be and at the end I got first and she came in second. Should've been happy for my result, but no, because then I had to worry about all the knifes that are pointing towards me, the last thing you wanted to witness was that girl crying. I wasn't supposed to feel bad but I did, I felt wrong for winning and thats not right. In a 17-year-old stubborn mind, the first thing I could think of was quitting. If it wasn't my teacher trying to convince me to stay, or my ambition in dancing I would've never stayed, which if I did that would be a terrible decision. Days after competition, things started to change, and I started to get along with everybody at the studio. I have even became best friends with that girl! I had the best time bonding with those girls and my teacher, it felt like more than a dance school to me.

However, the coach that is currently coaching me in the UK is more than amazing, totes blows the others far away. Not exaggerating but I love dancing here more than anywhere else, it is so different than dancing in Hong Kong. The fact that I get much more knowledge of dancing, and I am appreciated for my effort and talent they said, makes me feel so blessed and grateful. Dancers here may not be as excellent as the ones in my old studios, but a different style of teaching definitely caught me. At first I didn't agree nor liked how they emphasis on the importance of the theory behind each steps, I thought it was the most boring thing, probably because all of the teachers I had only aimed to teach me the choreography so that I could compete instead of teaching me how to dance. Dancing here has definitely widened my vision in dancing, it is much more than being competitive, I love dancing so much and t doesn't get any less.

X